Maths Jokes

1- Sir to Student:

“What is the full form of MATHS?”

student thinks hard & answers,

“Mentaly Affected Teachers Harming students” !

2- Monu to Son: Maths vich fail kyu hoya..

Son: 1st day teacher kendi 5+3=8..
Agle din kendi 6+2=8..fir kendi 4+4=8
ullu di pathi khud confusd hai mainu ki padaeygi.

3- Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

If parallel lines meet at infinity – infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x…
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

4- A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “4?”

“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

5- Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is pi ?”

The engineer said: “It is approximately 3 and 1/7″

The physicist said: “It is 3.14159″

The mathematician thought a bit, and replied “It is equal to pi”.

A nutritionist: “Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!”

6- A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, “That’s
multiplication.”

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

7- Theorem: 3=4

Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a – 3a + 4b – 3b = 4c – 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b – 4c = 3a + 3b – 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3
LOL

8- 1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed

2. All polar bears are left-handed
1=2. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
1=2. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
1=2. Therefore, all dogs are cats

9- 1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed

2. All polar bears are left-handed
1=2. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
1=2. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
1=2. Therefore, all dogs are cats

10- Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

11- A shoe seller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. “No problem,” says the mathematician, “there is a simple equation for that,” and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoe seller stares some time at the equation and asks, “What is that symbol?” “That is the Greek letter pi.” “What is pi?” “That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle.” Upon this the shoe seller cries out: “What does a circle have to do with shoes??”

12- There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he’d got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, “Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there.”

13- Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.

Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 – b^2 = ab – b^2
(a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b)
a + b = b
a = 0

Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

14- Theorem: 1$ = 1c.

Proof:
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.

1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c

Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD’s in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.