SMS Jokes

1- Munna Bhai Ke ghar LADKI hUE.
Circuit- Bhai ab to muhale ke, Sare ladke isko line marenge.
MUNNA- Tu fikar mat kar re, Apun iska naam DIDI rakhenge.

2- Gf- I love you.

Boy- Tell me any diffrant style.
Gf- TERE LASH KO AAG LAGANE KAMOKA MERE BETE KO DEGA KYA.

3- अंग्रेज:- हमने चांद पर पानी और बर्फ की खोज

कर ली है...
नन्दन
:- तो हमें अब सिर्फ दारू और नमकीन लेकर
आना है...   

4- 12 Saal K Ladke Ne 20 Saal Ki Ladki Ko Phool Dia

Ladki Ne Kiss Dia
Wo Ghabra K Bhaga

Ladki Ne Pucha:
Kya Hua

Ladka:
Guldasta Le K Aa Raha Hu

5- 1st woman-kuchh suna ya nahi bharat ne hindustan par hamlakardiya hai

2nd woman- hame dar hai ki kahin ek missile mere pe nagir jaye
3rd woman-arre tumsab fikra kyon kartihohum india me rahte hai.

6- Height of coolness:2 Guys coming out of theexaminatio n Hall with chips andcoke in hands....1st guy:which paper was it?...2nd guy:I think maths..... .1st guysurpr isingly) you readthe question paper?2nd guy: no I see a girl sittingbesides me using calculator ..

7- Bihari boy to a girl- "PHONE NO DEBU HO..??"

Girl-"Tamiz se baat kro."
Boy-"My dear with due respect I would like to say that PHONE NO. DEBU KA..??!!!!"

8- Sir-"Samundar Mein Nimbu ka Ped Ho To Tum Kaise Todoge?"

Santa-"Chidiya Bankar."
Sir-"Aadmi ko Chidiya Tera Baap banayega!"
Santa-"Samundar Mein Ped Aapka baap lagayega!"

9- UNKNOWN CALL-

HE:"Do u hv a bf?"
SHE:"Yes! Who r u?"
HE:"Tera bhai..Ruk kamini gahr aata hu dhulai krne!"
ANOTHER UNKNOWN CALL-
HE"Do u hv a bf?"
SHE-"Oh no no! Who r u?"
HE-"I m ur bf..Cheat u broke my heart!"
SHE-"Oh darling sorry I thought u r my bro!"
HE-"Tera bhai hi hu kamini....Aaj to bas ghar aane ki der hai!"

10- 1 ladka gadhe k samne gir gaya. 1 khubsurat ladki ne dekha aur kaha,"Apne bade bhai k pair chhu rahe ho?" Ladka bola,"JI BHABHI JI!"

11- 5th class ka student apne dost se: Kitna MuskiL H SchooL Ki "Teacher" Se Pyar Karna,

2 Dost: kyun?

"LOVE-LETTER" Beja Tha...
Home Work Samz Ke Check kar DIA.

12- 1 terorist ne 1 budhiya k ghar me bomb rakh diya.

Log chillaye- Budhiya bomb h!
Budhiya bomb h!
Budhiya sharmakar boli- DHATT, Wo to me 'JAWANI' me thi. Ha,HA..

13- Bihari Aurat Cheque Cash karane gai 

Clerk- Sign karo
Aurat- Kaise?
Clerk- Jaise Khat k end me likhti ho.
Aurat ne likha-
"TOHAR CHUMMA KE INTEJAR Me, BiiiJLi.!

14- A Girl Checks Her Weight = 58kg .

Removes Sandal = 56.
Then Dupatta = 52
Now Coins Finished.......
.
.
.
.
A Boy In A Q Behind Her
Said
Ü Carry On"",
I Have Coins!

15- Dosti Karo College Wali Se

Pyar Karo Office Wali Se
Programme Karo Pados Wali Se

Love Karo Dil Wali se

Aur Maar Khao Gharwali se

16- Q. What is the difference between WATCH & WIFE ..

A. Ek bigarti hai to bandh ho jati hai...

Doosari bigarti hai to -SHURU- ho jati hai

17- santa apni saliyo ke liye chudiya lekar aya

saliya: jiju ap aphi pahna do haath me chudiya
santa:agar pehale pata hota to chudiya ke jaga chaddi le ke ata.

18- Wat Is Common Betwn McDonald & 2days Share Market..

Dono Jagah Hmare Baap Dada K Jmane K
PRICE Chal Rahe He

19- SHIV ki jyoti se noor milta h sbke dilon ko surur milta h jobhi jaata hai BHOLEY ke dwaar kuch na kuch zarror milta h JAI BABA AMARNATH

20- maine tumhe kaise chusaya tha

Aam ka achar jani
Ye lo pakad lo hath me hath jani
Jhuko to daal du tumhare pichhe apna lund jani

Hindi Jokes

फिर तो जला ही क्या है!!

संते का घर जल गया.. उसका जिगरी दोस्त बंता अफ़सोस करने आया.. 

बंता: क्या कुछ बच गया?

संता: दिखता नहीं, मैं बच गया।

बंता: :) फिर तो जला ही क्या है!!

:):)

:)

"बैस्ट फ्रैंड" और "जस्ट फ्रैंड" में फर्क

"बैस्ट फ्रैंड" और "जस्ट फ्रैंड" में फर्क..

जब आप हॉस्पिटल में हों तो..

जस्ट फ्रैंड पूछता है, "तबीयत कैसी है?"
बैस्ट फ्रैंड पूछता है, "नर्स कैसी है?"

== Hinglish ==

"Best Friend" aur "Just Friend" mein difference..

Jab aap hospital mein ho to..

Just Friend would ask,  "Tabiyat kaisi hai?"
Best Friend would ask, "Nurse Kaisi hai?"

MARD KA DARD

mard ka dard

मर्द अगर औरत पर हाथ उठाए तो ज़ालिम, औरत से पिट जाये तो बुजदिलऔरत को किसी के साथ देख कर लड़े तो इर्शालू, अगर कुछ न कहे तो बेघैरत अगर घर से बहार रहे तो आवारा, घर में रहे तो नाकारा बचों को डांटे तो ज़ालिम, न डांटे तो लापरवाह हाय मर्द बेचारा जिसके जीवन मे सिर्फ दर्द ही दर्द है और उपरसे कहते है की मर्द वही होता है जिसको दर्द नही होता

Mujhe pehle gadhe ki baat sun lene do

Ek sahebji ghabraye hue aaye aur biwi se bole: “Begam, aaj main office se aa raha tha ki raste mein ek gadha…!”

Itne mein unki bachhi bol uthi: “Mummy, Shyam ne meri gudiya tod di hai.”

Pati ne phir kehna shuru kiya “Haan toh begam, main keh raha tha ki raste mein ek gadha…..!”

Itne mein unka ladka bola: “Mummy, Rita ne meri car tod di hai.”

Biwi ghusse mein aakar boli: “Bhagwan ke liye tum sab chup ho jao, mujhe pehle gadhe ki baat sun lene do..!”

पर सोच चाइना का माल और कितना चलेगा!

रमन ने चाइनीज लड़की से शादी की! और एक साल बाद ही वो मर गई, तो उसके आँसुओं का बाँध टूट गया!
चमन बोला- यार बहुत दुख की बात तो है, पर सोच चाइना का माल और कितना चलेगा!

आपकी बातों पे दिल हारूँ...वाह! वाह!

आपकी बातों पे दिल हारूँ..
वाह! वाह!
आपकी सूरत पे जां वारु..
वाह! वाह!

जिस दिन आपका एस.एम.एस. नहीं आता..
दिल करता है आपको पटक-पटक के मारूँ.

Aapke sms aane band hai..wah!wah!

Aapke sms aane band hai..wah!wah!
Aapke sms aane band hai..wah!wah!
Kya ye aapke phon ke balance ka asar hai?
Khafa ho hamse?
Ya fir aapko thapdo ki kasar hai!!

अगर मैं हार्ट-अटैक से मर जाऊं तो

पत्नी: अगर मैं दिल का दौरा पड़ने मर जाऊं तो तुम क्या करोगे?
पति: शायद मैं भी दिल का दौरा पड़ने से मर जाऊँगा.
पत्नी: इतना प्यार करते हो मुझसे?
पति: नहीं, डॉक्टर कहते हैं कि इंसान का दिल कभी कभी अचानक मिली ख़ुशी बर्दाश्त नही कर पाता!!
पत्नी: च्वाइस तो फिर भी है. खाना है तो खाओ नहीं खाना है तो मत खाओ!!

New Jokes

1- Sardar: Hamne Mobile Marrige Bureau shuru kiya hai:
"Rishtey k liye 1 dabaye, Mangni k liye 2 dabye, Shadi k liye 3 dabye."

Desi Man: Hum Dusri Shadi k liye kya dabaun?
Sardar: Dusri shadi k liye pehle wali ka gala dabye.

2- Kiss is not like Nokia…Connecting People

Kiss is not like Nike… Just Do It.
Kiss is not like Pepsi… Yeh Dil Maange More
But Kiss is like Pan Parag… Ek Se Mera Kya Hoga.

3- Ek aadmi ka beta bizli ke bulb par apne papa ka naam likh raha tha.

Aadmi: Beta, ye kya kar rahe ho?
Beta: Aapka naam roshan kar raha hoon.

4- 

You r genius, your mind is a master piece.
It is divided into left and right.
In the left side nothing is right
And in right side nothing is left.

5- Ek Baar Pappu Bahut Jorr-Jorr Se Ro Raha Tha. 

Maa: “Alle Mera Beta Kyu Ro Raha Hai?”
Pa:“Dad Ne Mujhe Kissi Nahi Di”
Maa:“Tumne Unko Table Nahi Sunaya Hoga”
Pa:“Baazu Wali Aunty Ko Kounse Tables Aate Hain?

6- Harbhajan Apni Girl Friend Se Puchata Hai.

Harbhajan: “Kya Mein Tumhara Pehla Pyaar Hoon?”
Girl Friend: “Kar Di Na Sardaro Wali Baat,
Spinnero Ko Bhi Kabhi Opening Milti Hai Kya?“

7- Santa: Mainu disco dance wich 1st prize miliya…

Banta: Yaar tenu te dance nahi c aanda..??
Santa: Yaar mainu Stage te Mirgi da daura pai gaya c :) :) :)

8- MODERN BEIZZATI…

Boy: I luv u
Girl: Apni shakal dekhi hai kya?
Boy: Dekhi hai tabhi to tere paas aaya warna Katrina Kaif ke paas na jata!!!

9- Sardar: oey mera shampo k sath wala gift de,

Shopkeper: sardar g uske sath koi gift nai tha,
Sardar: O bakwas na kar Oye shampo pe
likheya tha “Dandruf Free”

Maths Jokes

1- Sir to Student:

“What is the full form of MATHS?”

student thinks hard & answers,

“Mentaly Affected Teachers Harming students” !

2- Monu to Son: Maths vich fail kyu hoya..

Son: 1st day teacher kendi 5+3=8..
Agle din kendi 6+2=8..fir kendi 4+4=8
ullu di pathi khud confusd hai mainu ki padaeygi.

3- Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x].

If parallel lines meet at infinity – infinity must be a very noisy place with all those lines crashing together!

Zenophobia: the irrational fear of convergent sequences.

Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules. Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

If I had only one day left to live, I would live it in my statistics class: it would seem so much longer.

Maths Teacher: Now suppose the number of sheep is x…
Student: Yes sir, but what happens if the number of sheep is not x?

4- A football coach walked into the locker room before a game, looked over to his star player and said, “I’m not supposed to let you play since you failed math, but we need you in there. So, what I have to do is ask you a math question, and if you get it right, you can play.”

The player agreed, and the coach looked into his eyes intently and asks, “Okay, now concentrate hard and tell me the answer to this. What is two plus two?”

The player thought for a moment and then he answered, “4?”

“Did you say 4?” the coach exclaimed, excited that he got it right.

At that, all the other players on the team began screaming, “Come on coach, give him another chance!”

5- Several scientists were all posed the following question: “What is pi ?”

The engineer said: “It is approximately 3 and 1/7″

The physicist said: “It is 3.14159″

The mathematician thought a bit, and replied “It is equal to pi”.

A nutritionist: “Pie is a healthy and delicious dessert!”

6- A boy was teaching a girl arithmetic, he said it was his mission.

He kissed her once; he kissed her twice and said, “Now that’s addition.”

In silent satisfaction, she sweetly gave the kisses back and said, “Now that’s subtraction.”

Then he kissed her, she kissed him, without an explanation.

And both together smiled and said, “That’s
multiplication.”

Then her Dad appeared upon the scene and made a quick decision.

He kicked that boy three blocks away and said, “That’s long division!”

7- Theorem: 3=4

Proof:

Suppose:
a + b = c

This can also be written as:
4a – 3a + 4b – 3b = 4c – 3c

After reorganizing:
4a + 4b – 4c = 3a + 3b – 3c

Take the constants out of the brackets:
4 * (a+b-c) = 3 * (a+b-c)

Remove the same term left and right:
4 = 3
LOL

8- 1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed

2. All polar bears are left-handed
1=2. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
1=2. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
1=2. Therefore, all dogs are cats

9- 1. Ten percent of all car thieves are left-handed

2. All polar bears are left-handed
1=2. If your car is stolen, there’s a 10 percent chance it was taken by a Polar bear

1. 39 percent of unemployed men wear spectacles
2. 80 percent of employed men wear spectacles
1=2. Work stuffs up your eyesight

1. All dogs are animals
2. All cats are animals
1=2. Therefore, all dogs are cats

10- Philosophy is a game with objectives and no rules.

Mathematics is a game with rules and no objectives.

11- A shoe seller meets a mathematician and complains that he does not know what size shoes to buy. “No problem,” says the mathematician, “there is a simple equation for that,” and he shows him the Gaussian normal distribution. The shoe seller stares some time at the equation and asks, “What is that symbol?” “That is the Greek letter pi.” “What is pi?” “That is the ratio between the circumference and the diameter of a circle.” Upon this the shoe seller cries out: “What does a circle have to do with shoes??”

12- There was this statistics student who, when driving his car, would always accelerate hard before coming to any junction, whizz straight over it , then slow down again once he’d got over it. One day, he took a passenger, who was understandably unnerved by his driving style, and asked him why he went so fast over junctions. The statistics student replied, “Well, statistically speaking, you are far more likely to have an accident at a junction, so I just make sure that I spend less time there.”

13- Theorem : All numbers are equal to zero.

Proof: Suppose that a=b. Then
a = b
a^2 = ab
a^2 – b^2 = ab – b^2
(a + b)(a – b) = b(a – b)
a + b = b
a = 0

Furthermore if a + b = b, and a = b, then b + b = b, and 2b = b, which mean that 2 = 1.

14- Theorem: 1$ = 1c.

Proof:
And another that gives you a sense of money disappearing.

1$ = 100c
= (10c)^2
= (0.1$)^2
= 0.01$
= 1c

Here $ means dollars and c means cents. This one is scary in that I have seen PhD’s in math who were unable to see what was wrong with this one. Actually I am crossposting this to sci.physics because I think that the latter makes a very nice introduction to the importance of keeping track of your dimensions.

Love

1- To,

The janeman
I LOVE YOU,

SUB- application for love.
Jaan, i beg to say that i am
student of ur heart.I am lonely. I cant live without u. So kindly grant my love.
Ur LOVE

2- Me: Heard you guys broke up. Where is she now?

He: She moved on, and became an astronaut…
Me: ? He: Yes she wanted space. -,-

3- If Girls Is In Love, Her Parents Asks :Who Is That Idiot ?

.
If Boyz Is In Love, His Parents Asks ? Idiot Who Is That Girl ?
.
MORAL : No Matter Whoever In Love, Boyz Are Always IDIOTS….

4- Boy tells a girl “I Love you”

Girl: I will go and tell this to Principal
Boy : Idiot, he is already married

5- A tiger was giving love success party to his friends

A cat came & danced
Tiger asked who are you.
Cat said I was also a tiger before I fell in love.

6- My days are going useless.

So I asked GOD,
Is this love?
GOD replied,
No dear, result is near

7- A man while making love to his maid,

Exclaimed ‘Martha your are sweeter than my wife’

The maid smiled and said
‘i know Because the driver always tells me so’

8- When somebody who is deeply In Love with you tells that You are Cute, beautiful & angelic,I agree.That’s true Believe me, I swear because love is definitely blind

9- If you love something, set it free.

If it comes back, it was and always will be yours.

If it never returns, it was never yours to begin with.

If it just sits in your living room and messes up your stuff, eats your food, uses your telephone, takes your money and never behaves as if you actually set it free in the first place — you either married it or gave birth to it!

10- Once there was a girl who wanted a boyfriend. Her mom wanted to help her, so she set up a blind date for her daughter.

When the girl got back from the date she said “That was the worst night of my life!”

“Why is that?” her mom asked.

“He owns a 1922 Rolls Royce!”

“Isn’t that a good thing?”

“He’s the original owner mom!”

11- Two friends are discussing the possibility of love. “I thought I was in love three times,” one friend says.

“How so?” his friend asks.

“Five years ago I deeply cared for a woman who wanted nothing to do with me.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was obsession. And then two years ago I deeply cared for an attractive woman who didn’t understand me.”

“Was that not love?”

“No,” he replies. “That was lust. And just last year I met a woman aboard a cruise ship to the Caribbean. She was smart, funny, and a great conversationalist. And everywhere I followed her on that boat, I would get this strange sensation in the pit of my stomach.”

“Was that not love?” his friend asks.

“No,” he replies. “That was motion sickness.”

12- A married couple was in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told the husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny. So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you.”

“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.”

13- A man and his wife were returning from a party one evening. As the couple was driving home, she asked her husband, “Honey, has anyone ever told you how handsome, sexy and irresistible to women you are?”

Totally flattered, he replied, “No, dear they haven’t.”

At that point she yelled, “Then what the heck gave you THAT idea at the party tonight?”

14- Grandpa John was celebrating his 100th birthday and everybody complimented him on how athletic and well-preserved he appeared. “Gentlemen, I will tell you the secret of my success,” he cackled. “I have been in the open air day after day for some 75 years now.”

The celebrants were impressed and asked how he managed to keep up his rigorous fitness regime.

“Well, you see my wife and I were married 75 years ago. On our wedding night, we made a solemn pledge. Whenever we had a fight, the one who was proved wrong would go outside and take a walk.”

15- A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl.

Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well until one day
he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him.

The lawyer said that getting a divorce could depend on the circumstances,
and asked him the following questions:

“Have you any grounds”?
“Yes, an acre and half and nice little home”.

“No, I meant what is the foundation of this case”?
It’s made of concrete

“I don’t think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge”?
“No, we have carport, and not need one”.

I mean, what are your relations like?
“All my relations still in Poland”.

“Is there any infidelity in your marriage”?
“We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player”.

“Does your wife beat you up”?
“No, I always up before her”.

“Is your wife a nagger”?
“No, she white”.

“Why do you want this divorce”?
“She going to kill me”.

“What makes you think that”?
“I got proof”.

“What kind of proof”?
“She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in
bathroom. I can read, and it say: “Polish Remover”

16- An elderly couple had been experiencing declining memories, so they decided to take a power memory class where one is taught to remember things by association.

A few days after the class, the old man was outside talking with his neighbor about how much the class helped him.

“What was the name of the Instructor?” asked the neighbor.

“Oh, ummmm, let’s see,” the old man pondered. “You know that flower, you know, the one that smells really nice but has those prickly thorns, what’s that flower’s name?”

“A rose?” asked the neighbor.

“Yes, that’s it,” replied the old man. He then turned toward his house and shouted, “Hey, Rose, what’s the name of the Instructor we took the memory class from?”