Desi Jokes

1- Ek kadvaa sach 

Behan ki friend behan ho sakti hai,

Bhai ka friend Bhai ho sakta hai,

lekin wife ki friend wife nahi ban sakti….

2- Autowaala: sorry sir, meter daalna bhool gaya.

Hari : problem nahi hai. main bhi apna purse bhool aaya. chodo

3-

Ramu: Sir, mere ghar mein TV chodke baaki sabki chori hogayi hai?

Police: chor ne sirf TV kisliye chodaa hoga?

Ramu: mujhe kya pataa sir? main us samay TV mein serial dekh rahaa thaa

4- Beggar: 10 rupaiya dedo saab. girlfriend ko phone karna hai.

Saab ki girlfriend: dekho, bhikaari bhi apni girlfriend ko kitna pyar karta hai.

Beggar: nahi memsaab, use pyar karne ke baad hee main bhikaari ban gayaa

5- Doctor: is dawaa ko ek hafte main poora karo aur baad main aake milo.

Patient: teek hai doctor
(ek hafte ke baad)
Doctor: dawaa khatam huaa kya?
Patient: nahi doctor.
Doctor: kyu nahi?
Patient: usme likhaa thaa ke, bottle ko hamesha bandh rakhe

6- Teacher: OXFORD matlab kya hai?

Student: OX matlab bail, FORD matlab Gaadi. to OXFORD matlab bail gaadi

7- Boyfriend: I need to tell you a secret that I haven’t told you so far: I a seeing a psychiatrist.

Girlfriend: Oh! I need to tell you a truth too. I am seeing a psychiatrist, plumber and a mechanic.

8- A gift for girlfriend

Man 1: I want to buy a gift for my girlfriend for her birthday but I don’t know what she would like. Give me a suggestion.
Man 2: Does she like you?
Man 1: Yes
Man 2: Then she would like anything.

9- Boyfriend: Can we have a battle of intelligence between us?

Girlfriend: No thanks, I don’t fight an unarmed person.

10- Boyfriend: How do I play the guitar?

Girlfriend: You should be on TV for your talent.
Boyfriend: Am I so good?
Boyfriend: If you were on TV, I can atleast switch it off.

11- Boyfriend: For the last time I am telling you that I didn’t come here to get insulted.

Girlfriend: Then where else do you usually go?

12- If U Want 2 protect Ur Face From Dust,Mud,sun light & Such..frown emoticon

Then apply
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“ASIAN PAINTS” Exterior Emulsion
7yrs guarantee

13- Ek Bachha Road Pe Kutte Ko Le

Jaa Raha Tha.

Ek Police Waala Hasste Hue:

Beta, Apne Bhaai Ko Kahaan Le
Ja Rahe Ho?

Bachha: Police Mai Bharti
Karwaane….

14 - Father: Lagta hai chhat tapak rahi hai.

Son: chhat nahi, chhat se paani tapak raha hai. Chhat tapaki hoti to hum sab tapak gye hote…. :p 

15- Tujse naraz nahi Zindgi hairan hu

me, . . . . .
WAH WAH.

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.Tujse naraz nahi Zindgi hairan hu
me

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Koi naya Status nahi mil raha
bahut pareshan hu ma

15- Boyfriend ek aisi cheez hai

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Jis ke samne chipkali, cockroach se
darne wali ladki bhi sherni ban k ghumti hai…

16- Girl:- main kisi aur se shadi kar rahi hun, mujhe bhul jao. . !

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Boy:-
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Na tere aane ki khushi, na tere jaane ka gham, dusri patayenge tu jaa behen aaj se tera qissa khatam..

17- She : whats ur name?

He : Kapil Phadke. & urs?

She : pehle Neha tha but ab Lovely

He : ab Lovely kyo?

She : kyuki,me Lovely ho gyi yar naam tera Phadke!!

*this time the girl gets blocked*

18- Extremely Funny :

A Little boy was doing his maths homework & saying: 2+5, the son of a bitch is 7. 3+6, the son of a bitch is 9
His Mom: What are you doing?
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Boy: I’m doing maths homework
Mom: this is how your teacher taught you?
Boy: Yes
Infuriated, Mom asked the teacher the next day- ‘What are you teaching my son in maths?’
Teacher: Right now, we are learning addition.
Mom: you teaching them to say 2+ 2, the Son of a bitch is 4?
Teacher after laughing: What I taught them was, 2+2, the sum of which is 4

19- Purani soch:-Karo ya Maro.

Nayi soch:-Marne se Phle kuch karo!
Ekdam Nai soch:- Jab tak kuch kar
nahi lete maro mat!
Hamari Soch:-Koi Bataega Sala
karna kya hai?

20- Teacher: Which is the closest planet to the sun??

Student: Wait.

Teacher: What wait, tell me now.

Student: Bata raha hu na. मर क्यू रही hai?

Teacher: Correct.

21- Market Me Nai Bimari Aayi Hai……

Doctor-how are you feeling?
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Me- I am feeling lonely with angel neha and 72 others….

22- This Is For My Ex. . .

Tuje Kya Laga,Tu Muje Chor Kar Chalejaegi Tho Main Marr Jaunga

Ghantaaaa

Ladki Hai Tu,
Oxygen Nahi

23- Me- 3G ki speed nahi aa rahi h..?

Call centre- Kaunsa handset use kar
rahe h?

Me- Iphone 5.

CallCentr- Apple ka iphone..??

Me- Nhi, Amrood ka. :p 

24- *After exam*

Mom: Paper kaisa tha?

Me: Patlaa tha, white colour ka!

*tight slap on face* :p 

25- Aaj mein 2 kasam khata hu

1. Kisi parayi ladki ko gandi nazro se nahi dekhunga.
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2. Mein kisi bi ladki ko parayi ni samjhunga.

26- Girl : doctor sahab mai bhut gori hu sundar hu aur meri skin b kafi sensitive hai ..

mai kya lagakr soya kru

Doctor: darvaje me KUNDI……

27- 1 din ‘sunny leon’ maar gayi

uski kabr par ‘IMRAAN HASMIi’ aaya aur
jor-2 se hasne lga

logo ne puchha aap haas kyu rahe ho.
To usne kaha
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kameeni phli bar akeli soyii hai.

28- Accountancy fact:

What is the difference between Liability & Asset?
A drunk friend is liability
But
A drunk Girlfriend is an Asset…. :p 

29- Economics is not that difficult if we have the right examples.

Interviewer: What is Recession?
Candidate: When “Wine & Women” get replaced by “Water & Wife”,
that critical phase of life is called Recession!! :p 

30- CA ki wife:

Suniye ji, Yeh Inflation kya hai?

CA:
Pehle tu 36-24-36 thi
Ab tu 48-40-48 hai !

Ab tere pass sab kuch pehle se jyada hai, phir bhi Teri value pahle se kam hai.
YAHI INFLATION HAI. :p

31- Me washing my car

Aunty: Kyu beta kya kr rahe ho gaadi dho rahe ho.

ME: Nahi aunty paani de raha hu kya pata kl subah tak bus ban jaaye.

32- *Killing English*

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Pappu:- “Hey, Fruit walay Baba, give me some Potatoes fever. . .

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Fruit wala: Oo mere bhai ye ‘Potatoes Fever’ kya hota hai? . .

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Pappu:- Oo Maye Gaad, You Literacy People, Potatoes Fever means

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“Aaloo Bukhara!”

33- Husband – Darling tum bhi gori ho aur mai bhi gora hu to fir hamara bachha kaise kala hua?

wife – Oho jaanu tum bhi hot mai bhi hot isiliye hamara baccha jal gaya

34- Teacher – Pappu ek story sunao with moral

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Pappu – Maine usko phone kiya wo so rahi thi.
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Phir usne mujhe phone kiya main so raha tha
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Moral- Jaisi karni wsi bharni.

35- TEACHER: – Btao ek doctor or ek engineer me kya difference hai ?

STUDENT: – Sir dono main ek difference hai ki doctor ek bar me sirf 1 admi ki jan le sakta hai or engineer ek bar main hajaron admi ki.

36- Teacher asked question 2 student;

Formula of water?
Student replied :- H,I,J,K,L,M,N,O

coz previous day teacher told them that formula of water is H2O

Teacher socked,student ROCKED

37- Teacher Sonu Se – Tumme se itni badbu kyu aa rhi h ..nahakar nhi aate kya

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Sonu – Kya kru MAM ,pani se ellergy h
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Teacher – Kesi ellergy
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Sonu – Shower on krte hi geela ho jata hu

38- To,

The janeman
I LOVE YOU,

SUB- application for love.
Jaan, i beg to say that i am
student of ur heart.I am lonely. I cant live without u. So kindly grant my love.
Ur LOVE

39- Anushka Sharma- Bohot Machhar kaat rahe hain.

Virat Kohli- Goodnight ya All Out?
Anushka Sharma – Goodnight laga do. All out to aap roz hi hote ho.

40- Extra Kameena ßacha!

Son: Papa apki love marrige hai na?

Dad: Haan per tumhen kese pta?

Son: Apki shadi or meri date of birth me
sirf 5 month ka fark hai.

41- Tumhari adao pe mai vari vari,

Wah Wah….
Tumhari adao pe mai vari vari,
Wah Wah….
Dial 139 for railway enquiry…..:)

42- Ek american ne ek indian bache se poocha ..

Tum kitney saal ke ho?

Bachey ne jawab diya: ghar par 14,
school me 12, BUS me 10, Train me 7 aur..
FACEBOOK par 19 year ka hu ji.

43- Wo kehti apne bhaiyyo se,

Mere aashiq ko yu naa peeto..!!
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Badaaa jiddi hai ye saala,
Pehle kutte ki tarah ghaseeto..!!

44- At 3AM:

Man in bed with his wife,
Slides his hand slowly across her shoulders,
Across her waist,
Under her neck,
Under her back,
& suddenly stops..
Wife: Why did u stop?
Man: Remote mil gaya, soja tu!!

45- Kaminapan Dosto ka

Girlfriend hai.. ??
Nahin
Saala Gay

Haan hai Girlfriend
Tharki sala

Kal college ayega.. ??
Haan

Padhaku ki aulaad

Nahin
Saale kabhi toh padh liya kar

Ice cream khilaega..??
Ofcourse
Kyun Bhai, Baap ka paisa hai

Nahin
Bhikhaari saala

Dosti nibhaega ??
Haan
Senti saale devdas

Nahin nibhaunga
Ye hi umeed thi saale dhoke baaz

46- Johny johny..

Yes papa!
Private job.
Yes papa!
Lot of tension..
Yes papa!
Too much work..
Yes papa!
Family life..
No papa!
Bp-sugar..
High papa!
Yearly bonus..
Joke papa!
Monthly pay..
Low papa!
Personal life..
Lost papa!
Weekly off!
ha! ha! ha!

47- Girl ATM pe Pappu se Boli..

Girl : bhaiya mujhe apna balance check karna hai.. Aap meri help kar do plz..

Pappu use ek zor ki laat marta hai aur ladki gir jati hai.
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Pappu: tera balance to bahot kharab hai!!

48- Ladke ne Ladki ko Aankh maari

Ladki: Mai esi wesi ladki nahi hu ..

Ladka: Wo to theek hai par check karna hamara Farz banta hai!!

49- *Shaadi dot com chats*

Boy – khana bana leti ho
Girl – nahi
Boy – aur kuch bana leti ho?
Girl – haan selfie lete time mu bana leti hu!!

50- Police: Oye, tune Papita Bechne wali ko kiss kyon kiya??

Santa: Sir, main bhi kya karta wo itni der se mere ghar ke bahar chilla rahi thi,
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PAPPI-TE LE LO,
PAPPI-TE LE LO..!